Navigating the pathways of parenthood can often feel like a maze. As caregivers, our natural instinct is to want to pave a seamless route for our children, where their moments of sadness are brief and their happiness is unending. But in this process, we may overlook the significance of accepting and understanding the many different emotions that our children experience. These feelings are an important part of the human experience as well.
1. Listen – not only to their words, but their actions.
Youth are not always able to verbalize or articulate their feelings but may rather express their feelings in the way they know how (such as, tone of voice, body language, yelling, crying, laughing). And feel honoured! If they are showing you how they truly feel, you are their safe space! Welcoming all these feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, normalizes the wide range of feelings we all have. And this helps to build healthy emotional well-being.
2. Approach feelings with patience, curiosity & empathy.
When I shifted away from trying to “fix” my children’s feelings, patience and curiosity were key. And approaching their feelings from a place of empathy was more powerful than I had expected. As I had shared on CTV Morning Live, my children and I may not get frustrated over the same situation, but we have all felt frustrated.
But don’t let me lead you to believe I think this is so easily done. Patience can be tough to muster in the heat of the moment, especially if you are also experiencing intense emotion. Which leads me to point 3…
3. Be aware of your own emotional triggers.
These triggers may be situations occurring in the present that spark feelings from your past, such as previous childhood or relationship experiences. I have found the value in looking into and identifying my own triggers for the benefit of parenting at my best and fostering a healthy relationship with my children.
Please Note: I have found mental health professionals to be pivotal in emotional self-care and parenting support. Don’t hesitate to ask for help, especially if you have a history of trauma.
4. Be open to learning and growing on this journey.
How we were brought up is not inherently right or wrong. But how we were parented influences our own role as parents, intentionally or not.
We are always able to work on and learn about how we see ourselves as parents with the information we know today. This includes how we view feelings and how we present feelings to our children.
5. Refrain from judgement.
Start with avoiding labels on feelings, such as “good” or “bad” feelings. These judgments can dissuade children from sharing certain feelings and develop associations of shame that lead to suppressing feelings.
The other area, to be conscious of judgment, is how we perceive management of feelings. Having feelings, learning to regulate feelings, and helping your children with their feelings is hard work!
6. The power of validating feelings.
This doesn’t mean we aren’t expected to learn to regulate feelings or that all behaviours are appropriate. But validation of emotions, especially for youth, is extremely important to feeling heard and moving through emotions. Phrases like “don’t be frustrated” or “you’re fine” are not helpful to moving forward. Imagine how you feel as an adult hearing those words?
7. Regulating feelings & appropriate behaviour must be learned.
Caregivers are pivotal in helping kids explore ways to regulate feelings and understand what behaviour is appropriate and healthy – and which behaviours are not. Kids will not get it right the first time! And many adults won’t either! It is a life journey and shouldn’t be judged to have a level of mastery. We do the best we can in each moment and we, as caregivers, may not fully understand how to teach emotional regulation.
Laurie Robin is a mother of two, an educator for nearly two decades, and self-published author of I Want You To Be You living in Manitoba, Canada.
L. Robin Books donates 25% of proceeds of each book sold throughout 2023 to Kids Help Phone, who do amazing work supporting and advocating for youth every day. Find out more at www.lrobinbooks.com.
For Laurie’s full Blog, please visit https://www.wholechildcounseling.com/blog
